For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
