So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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