I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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