girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
