No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
