Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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