If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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