I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
