I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
