I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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