brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my shit smells like andre
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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