i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
