Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
