Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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