girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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