I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My life is pants optional.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
