He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize