I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
