i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize