found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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