I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
