My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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