I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
