I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
