i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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