Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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