I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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