Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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