we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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