so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
