Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
