She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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