I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
