the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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