Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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