i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You need Xanax blowdarts
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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