I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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