I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
