I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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