Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I can text with my tongue
People in love make me want to vomit
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize