I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
