Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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