You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
