phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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