I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you didnt know i had herpes?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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