so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
