If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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