im holly from the hills drunk
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
