so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
