Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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