you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
