I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
