I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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