just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
