Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
