i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
