I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Randomize
