What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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